


there is no amount of crying I can do for you

by greeny1710



Series: With You, Forever [3]
Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Non-Famous, Angst, Charles is Bad at Feelings, Feelings Realization, Fluff, Lando is an emotional bean, Lewis is The Best Dad, Lots of Crying, M/M, Max wants to kill Charles, Possibly Unrequited Love, will there be a happy ending? who knows
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-29
Updated: 2020-08-01
Packaged: 2021-03-06 01:09:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,352
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25594807
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/greeny1710/pseuds/greeny1710
Summary: Lewis just wanted to sleep in his boyfriend's bedHe didn't anticipate dealing with the heartbreak that came with this household
Relationships: Charles Leclerc/Lando Norris, Daniel Ricciardo/Max Verstappen, Lewis Hamilton/George Russell
Series: With You, Forever [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1824415
Comments: 62
Kudos: 183





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> based on a prompt from **MeganLouise** who mentioned about seeing _maybe about Lando's crush on Charles_ or something and I kinda got carried away and well it's now multiple parts lmao we love my brain
> 
> stole the title from exile by Taylor Swift & Bon Iver bc I am Trash for that song right now :)
> 
> hope you enjoy x

One good thing about his boyfriend attending Kings College in the centre of London and living not too far from his campus was that it was only a ten-minute drive to the office, and on the days that he and Nico were in the office late, it did not sound at all appealing to traverse all the way back to Kensington. The perk, therefore, was that George was more than willing for Lewis to sleep over at his student house. The house was fairly decent, and he now got along with its occupants way better than originally. Lewis had joined them a few times for dinners and gone out for drinks with them once, tugged along by George who then spent the entire night complaining that the drinks being served in the bar were overpriced and not made well at all. 

The perks of dating a bartender.

Georgie❤️   
  
**Today** 22:59   
Are you still awake? Xx   
  
Yeah why? Up with Maxiel & Lando playing cod but chaos duo are out at socials   
  
Could I be so cheeky as to request to sleep at yours? I’ve literally just finished in the office and I don’t think I can survive the drive back to Kensington❤️❤️  
  
YES PLEASE AND THANK YOU GET YOUR ASS HERE NOW   


Lewis smiled at George’s message, being able to hear his boy yelling it in his head.

There was a reason he loved him.

On my way. Will be there in 15. Thank you so much angel, I love you xxx   
  
Love you too❤️  


When Lewis pulled up at George’s, he knew it was the right choice. The drive had tired him out more than he’d expected, and when George met him on the doorstep, Lewis couldn’t keep the smile from exploding onto his face.

George was _so adorable_ it should be illegal.

All he was doing was wearing some tight-fitting adidas sweatpants and an oversized Thrasher hoodie, yet he looked so fucking perfect that Lewis fell in love with him all over again. 

“Evening,” George grinned, dipping down to kiss Lewis.

“Good evening, beautiful, how are you?”

“Tired,” George admitted, “I’ve just got to finish this game with Max and then I’ll come to bed if you want to go straight away.”

“Hi Lewis!” Max shouted pointedly.

“Or maybe you can come and join us,” George corrected himself.

“Sounds excellent!” Max agreed.

“One day he will stop being an idiot,” George sighed fondly and tugged Lewis into the house. 

“Evening Lewis,” Max said as they walked in.

“Evening Max, sorry for imposing so late, I didn’t feel it was safe to drive back to Kensington.”

“Yeah, George explained it to us. Nice to see you being responsible.”

“Max, Lewis is thirty-three. He knows how to be responsible.”

“Oh I know. I just like reminding you that your boyfriend is thirteen years older than you,” Max smirked.

Lewis and Max got along better now, definitely helped by the fact that Max’s boyfriend liked Lewis and thought he was good for George. Max, however, was still a bit wary of Lewis, and he understood it. From what George had said, Max had been through some things that didn’t exactly have him trust older adults much, and whilst he had no intention of ever hurting George, it was still nice to know that someone was looking out for him.

“Darlin’, I say this with upmost respect, but shut the fuck up,” Daniel said, tugging lightly on Max’s hair. “You’re worse than your brother.”

“Rude,” Max muttered back. He threw George his controller and barely gave him chance to catch it before he was unpausing the game and carrying on. 

Lando looked over at him nervously, biting his lip as he watched Lewis extend his arm over the back of George’s shoulders. He smiled carefully at Lando but didn’t say anything, simply tugged George into him a kissed his messy mop of hair.

“Love you,” Lewis whispered. 

“Yeah love you too,” George replied distractedly, “No Max! Go down the left you idiot!”

“You were taking the left!”

“But you’re on the left so why would I?!”

“Fuck!” Max shouted as they both got snipered, signifying the end of the match.

“Come on baby, we should go to bed,” Dan told Max before he could start a new match, running his fingers teasingly over Max’s thighs to distract him. Lewis watched as Max barely repressed a shiver and Lando quickly looked away, still biting his bottom lip.

“Where did you say Charles was?” Lewis asked.

“Erm, Soho I think. He’s off getting drunk with Charlotte and looking for someone to fuck,” George answered as he closed the game. “I think he exhausted tinder and Grindr so he’s going back to picking people up manually. Surprised he’s got anyone left London with the rate he goes through them.”

“I’m going to bed,” Lando mumbled, stumbling past them and sprinting up the stairs.

Lewis frowned as Lando ran off, none of the other boys reacting.

“Is he alright?”

“Yeah he’ll be fine,” George shrugged.

“I’ll check on him before we go to bed,” Max reassured. 

“Come on, I’m tired,” George told him, dragging Lewis up from the sofa and turning the TV off. 

Lewis had been to George’s house many times before, even been into his bedroom. He’d just never slept over. If they were staying together, George would always stay at his place and Lewis would drive him to uni in the morning when he drove to work. George said he preferred it due to the fact that they had Charles and Charlotte who routinely went out and got drunk, stumbling home at 3am or later, sometimes alone, sometimes with someone to join either of them. 

“Are you sure Lando is alright?” Lewis asked as they settled into bed, his eyes looking up at the ceiling as though he could see the youngster and check he was okay.

“He’s been like that lately. He doesn’t want to talk about whatever’s going on. Max and Dan tend to try and get him to sleep with them in Max’s room so that he doesn’t feel so alone.”

“What’s going on?”

“Think it’s to do with Charles. He’s fine until someone mentions him.”

“Has Charles done something to him?”

“Aside from leading him on and causing him to fall in love with him and then consistently ripping every hope of a relationship away from him by dangling his conquests in front of him? Not that I’m aware of.”

Lewis sat up slightly at the bitter tone of George’s voice and looked down at him.

“He’s done what?”

“Lando has a crush on him, and Charles is either entirely aware and is being the world’s biggest dickhead, or he’s the most oblivious idiot in the world and therefore is still being the world’s biggest dickhead.”

“Has anyone spoke to Charles?”

“Nope,” George shrugged, “Max might have. But Lando doesn’t want us to even know. It’s only because he’s so damn obvious that we realised he has a thing for him.”

“What about Charles? Does he have a thing for him?”

“He doesn’t like relationships. I’ve known him a year and I’ve never seen him with someone longer than a couple of days.”

“Poor Lando,” Lewis sighed as he settled down again, pulling George into him and kissing his temple. “Someone should talk to Charles. It’s not fair that this is happening, to either of them.”

“Believe me, Max has tried to get him to tone it down. He just doesn’t care. Him and Charlotte, because they’re at different unis, they have this giant circle that they go out with and everyone gets with each other. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing, if he wants to sleep around, he can. I seriously don’t care as long as he’s being safe. But it’s the fact that he’s leading Lando on-”

“Which isn’t fair, I know, George, I know baby. Lando’s a good kid. And someone should tell Charles, tell him to back off a bit. I know it’s always awkward, but if he doesn’t feel the same, it’s not fair to Lando, and it’ll just make things awkward for the rest of you.”

“I know,” George sighed, curling into Lewis’ chest and closing his eyes, “I hate it so much. I just want to make everything okay for them.”

“I know you do darling, but you can’t. You can be a stepping stone of help but you can’t force it, okay? They’re your brothers, they’re your friends, and things will be okay but you need to let them make their decisions.”

George didn’t say anything, instead tightened his arms around Lewis and threw his leg over Lewis’ waist.

“What time do you have to go into work?” 

“I need to be in the office for 9 at the latest. Nico’s going in around then, so do you need dropping off at uni?”

“Nah I’m gonna walk in with Max. He wants me to go and do his experiment so I’ll wait for him to wake up.”

“Okay baby,” Lewis tilted George’s head back and pressed a kiss to his lips, gently cupping his jaw and kissing him softly. 

“Thank you for coming over,” George whispered, “I’ve missed you.”

“Thanks for letting me stay, honestly this case is dragging so much, it’s such a pain.”

“How much longer are you and Nico are going to be on it?”

“Court starts next week, so we need to have the presenting argument ready for Monday lunchtime. However, we don’t have a clue how long the case is going to last, could be ten days, could be ten weeks. We have to be prepared.”

“Will you get the presenting argument done on time?”

“Should do. Might not be free this weekend though. You’re welcome to come and hang out at the office if you need some quiet to work in, but I’m almost positive myself and Nico will not be leaving that office all weekend.”

“I’ll probably come and see you, yeah. Distract you both, force you to take a break for lunch so that you two don’t forget to eat _again_ , but I’ve got work Saturday night anyway,” George told him, kissing Lewis’ chest and closing his eyes. “If you need a drink, send me a text and I’ll get you on the guest list to come in. Bring Nico if you want.”

“Probably take you up on that,” Lewis replied and brushed his hand over George’s hair as his speech grew gradually quieter until he was mumbling sleepily.

“Good, now sleep, because I’m tired.”

“Goodnight Georgie,” Lewis whispered.

“Goodnight Lew,” George replied, stretching his long legs out before dropping almost instantly to sleep, wrapped around Lewis like he was George’s favourite childhood teddy bear. 

He wondered if George had a favourite teddy. 

He’d probably find out if he ever met George’s parents. 

~

“Nico? What’s up?” Lewis sleepily mumbled, George was curled on his side facing away from Lewis and still absolutely dead to the world. Not that he was surprised. It was barely 6:30am, of course Nico was already up and thinking about the case.

“I’ve had a revelation about the case. We’re approaching it from the wrong angle,” Nico told him, voice bright with excitement.

“Okay, give me a second because George is still asleep and I don’t want to wake him.” Lewis carefully climbed out of bed, tucking George back in and dragging his work trousers on. He had a change of clothes at the office that he’d change into later, and if he was at home he would’ve walked around in his boxers, however he definitely did not need Max potentially catching him mostly naked. He was still trying to build that good impression.

Lewis walked through to the kitchen and sat down at the table, flipping his iPad open so he could look at some of the files as Nico spoke to him.

Most of what Nico was saying made sense and Lewis added in some quick notes to his files, his brain slowly starting to work at the early hour. 

“So, we’ve got 37 counts of child abuse, and that’s only physical. I think it’s better to also highlight the psychological effects too,” Lewis nodded, rubbing at his forehead and eyes. 

“I agree. I’ll go and check the police report again, I’ll see you in a couple hours?”

“Yeah no problem. See you later, Nico.”

“Say hi to George for me!”

“Will do.” Lewis automatically felt a smile sneak onto his face at the reminder of his beautiful young man that he spent his days with. 

They exchanged farewells and Lewis spent another few minutes looking at the files and adding in a few more notes on what he and Nico should try and show the narrative to be. It didn’t take long before his body was screaming for breakfast, and he knew George would want some too, and so Lewis went to George’s cupboard in the kitchen and started pulling some breakfast items together. 

He’d have to take his boy food shopping if he got some time free soon, George really was slacking. Or he’d give George the money he needed. As much as he wanted to go with George and do all the silly little domestic tasks, he also knew that work was about to get _very busy_ and unfortunately food shopping with his boyfriend wouldn’t be a priority. 

One thing Lewis absolutely needed to do however was buy this house a coffee machine. They were students. They lived off caffeine. It was an injustice that all they had was really bad instant coffee.

He’d have to ask his PA to get one sent to the house.

Lewis was just about to start cooking something together, probably vegan blueberry pancakes to sweeten George up for not being able to spend much time with him over the next few weeks, when he heard the bottom step on the stairs squeak. He didn’t turn around straight, thinking it would’ve just been one of the boys lurking around. However, when he felt the eyes of someone staring into his back, Lewis turned, already preparing to have Max make some form of commentary about Lewis standing in his kitchen half-naked.

“Lando? Are you okay?”

Lando was stood in the doorway, staring at Lewis and taking deep breaths. He looked like he hadn’t slept much, his curls messy and his eyes heavy, and the dark circles under his eyes that Lewis had seen last night only seemed darker and the oversized hoodie he had on covered his hands even though Lewis could see them shaking, looking ten years younger than he was.

Lando walked over to one of the barstools and slid onto it, watching Lewis potter around the kitchen and looking so insanely lost to say that he lived here.

Lewis didn’t push him to talk, simply carried on making breakfast and giving Lando chance to calm his brain enough to understand what he wanted to say.

“I know I’m a kid, and you don’t care because you’re a real adult and you’ve got a real job and a real relationship and I don’t because I’m just a kid, but I really just need someone to listen,” Lando quietly told him and Lewis whirled around. He watched a stray tear fall from Lando’s eye and was quickly swiped away. “Just please don’t take the piss out of me or anything, I really need someone to listen.”

“Lando what’s wrong? Come here, little one,” Lewis crossed the floor and walked around the island, wrapping Lando in his arms and hugging him tight. 

“I hate him, I hate him,” Lando sobbed, clutching onto Lewis as he fell apart.

“Who, darling? What’s happened?”

“Charles. Why does he have to be everything I’d want and never be allowed to have?” 

“Lando, sweetheart, you deserve the world, and you’re allowed to want Charles.”

“But he won’t someone like me! I’m just stupid little kid who doesn’t even know what fashion is and wear sweats and hoodies and he unironically wears Versace and Givenchy like it’s a second skin and I don’t even know how to spell them.”

“It’s only fashion, Lando. He likes it, it makes him feel confident, I can guarantee you that he wears it to make him feel normal, like a ‘real’ fashion student. George wears designer stuff, I buy him it, but he wears the subtle things because that’s what he prefers. Charles likes standing out, he likes the attention, that’s normal for him.”

“I hate attention,” he whispered. 

“That’s okay, Lando, you’re allowed to not like it.”

“But that’s just another reason why we could never work out. He goes to all these things, all his fashion shows and events and clubbing, and he just... you heard George. He’s slept with half of London. I haven’t even dated anyone since I was fifteen. I’m nothing compared to him.”

“Don’t you dare say you are nothing,” Lewis told him, pulling his hands up to cup Lando’s jaw and force him to look at him, “You are such a wonderful, brilliant, funny, adorable young man, and Charles would be lucky to have you.”

“We run in different worlds. And I was fine with that, I was. I always knew I’d have no chance with a boy like Charles, but I love him, Lewis, and every night I have to go to sleep knowing that he’s out partying and sleeping with anyone and it’s just... he’s slept with Alex. He slept with Dan before him and Max got together, that’s how Max and Dan met. Dan was leaving Charles’ room and he saw Max and he fell for him almost immediately. I think he’s even slept with some staff at his uni from what I heard. And yet he won’t even look in my direction, and I just... I want to know what’s so disgusting about me that he won’t sleep with me. I want so much more than just sex, but at least then I’d feel like I was important to him.”

“Lewis, come back to bed, why are you up?” George mumbles, scrubbing at his closed eyes before he must’ve heard Lando’s sniffles and immediately looked up at them. “Fuck, Lando’s what’s wrong? What’s happened? Do I need to fetch Max? Who am I fighting?”

George crossed the floor and sandwiched Lando in a hug between Lewis and himself. Over Lando’s head, Lewis simply mouthed the world ‘Charles’. 

He hadn’t realised just how deep Lando’s crush on Charles went. Not until he had a nineteen-year-old boy sobbing in his arms. George has just said it was a crush. Lewis didn’t realise that it was more than that. 

He wondered if George even knew.

He had to know now.

You wouldn’t be crying like this if it was just a crush. 

“I hate him, I hate him,” Lando sobbed as George rocked them, pressing kisses to Lando’s messy curls.

“I know, Lando. But this won’t last forever.”

“He’s just perfect and I’m not and I’m worth nothing. I just want that stupid boy to pay attention to me.” Lando still had his face pressed into Lewis’s shoulder and George was wrapped around Lewis’ back, meaning that neither of them saw what Lewis did.

“Charles fucking Räikkönen sleeps with the entirety of London and I’m not fucking good enough for him and I never will be and I wish I could just move out,” Lando sobbed. 

“No, Lando, you’re staying right here, buddy. You’re staying with us and we’ll sort out your crush on Charles don’t worry,” George told him. 

“He’s going to be some hot shot fashion designer and go to all these countries and have all those brands fighting over him, he’s never going to want someone like me. I’m just some stupid little computer nerd. He wouldn’t want a nobody like me.”

“Go,” Lewis mouthed over both boys heads. 

Charles was stood in the kitchen door, his mouth dropped open in horror and a tear slowly working its way down his face as he watched the scene unfolding before him.

“Go!” Lewis mouthed again and this time Charles followed the instruction, heading off towards the stairs and if Lewis heard correctly, into Max’s bedroom. 

“Can you take him for a second?” George asked and Lewis nodded.

Lando either didn’t notice or didn’t care when George pulled away. George quickly set about grabbing a mug and warming some milk up in the microwave in it before squirting some honey in and mixing it. Lewis never once relented on running his hand over Lando’s back, shushing away his sobs and protests that he wasn’t good enough.

The three of them eventually moved away from huddling around the barstool and ended up in George’s bedroom. Lando was sat between them, Lewis’ arm outstretched behind them both and carefully carding his fingers through George’s hair to keep him calm.

He knew that look on George’s face and he knew if he didn’t calm his boy down, Charles Räikkönen wasn’t going to have a pretty face for much longer and George Russell was going to have some bloody knuckles.

Lando held his mug in shaky hands, the hood of his jumper pulled up around his head as he cuddled slightly into George, no longer crying but messy from the tears. 

“What’s up then, tell me?” George asked.

“I’m in love with Charles and I can’t do anything about it.”

“Says who?”

“Him. His preferences. He wouldn’t be interested in me.”

“How do you know that?”

“I’ve seen the guys he sleeps with. I’ve seen the girls he sleeps with. They all look like supermodels. And I’m just some scrawny little nerd with acne and messy hair and I’m just nothing. I don’t fit his idea of ‘perfection’, especially not lately.”

“What do you mean by that?” George asked, holding the bottom of Lando’s cup to avoid it shaking too badly as he took a sip.

“He’s got a thing for Charlotte, hasn’t he?”

“Charlotte?” Lewis questioned, exchanging a look with George.

That was new...

Lewis thought that they were just best friends. Yes, they had matching silk kimonos and there’d been a number of times that Lewis had popped over early in the morning to deliver something to George and found Charlotte and Charles laying together on the kitchen floor and they were very affectionate with each other. Except Lewis just thought that was the way they were with each other. 

“Like the rational part of my brain knows that Charlotte’s not into him because he’s a guy but..” Lando’s voice cracked slightly and Lewis’ heart cracked along with it, “It doesn’t mean that he’s not into her. I know he’d never do anything to make her uncomfortable or whatever and he wouldn’t tell her if he thought she didn’t like him back. But it’s the idea of him being in love with someone else. I-I-I can’t, I can’t do it. I can’t turn off this feeling of jealousy and being in love with him and I don’t know what to do.”

“I think you need to talk to him,” Lewis said before George could say anything. He knew what George would say and he knew it would involve something along the lines of ‘let me punch that little bastard’.

“I can’t!”

“I know talking is hard, it’s the hardest thing to do. But you need to tell him, Lando, you can’t keep hurting yourself by letting him cuddle you and kiss your cheek and fall asleep on your shoulder if it’s hurting you. Please, Lando, please stop torturing yourself.”

“Lando, Charlotte’s gay. Charles is her best friend. Charles doesn’t have a thing for her. I know he’s a fucking asshole and believe me I want to knock him out for what he’s done to you, but he’s not a complete twat. He doesn’t have a thing for her, and you need to tell him to back off,” George told him.

Lando looked between them briefly before looking down at his lap and whispering, “I don’t want to.”

“You’re only causing yourself more pain-”

“I love him.” 

Lewis watched a tear fall from Lando’s face, dropping into his cup of milk.

“I don’t want to lose him.”

“You won’t. You’re telling him to back off a bit. You’re looking after your heart,” Lewis murmured, rubbing Lando’s back. The three of them sat in silence for a little while, Lando’s sniffles the only sound beside his occasional sip of his drink, letting Lando stew it all over in his head. 

“Lew, you need to be getting ready for work,” George gently reminded him.

“I’ll tell Nico I’m going to be late-”

“I’ve got this.” George reassured him. 

“Are you sure?”

“Mom, Dad, don’t fight,” Lando weakly joked, scrubbing at his eyes as he drank the last of his milk.

Lewis brushed his fingers over Lando’s curls and brushed them off his face, pressing a kiss to his forehead.

“Please talk to Charles, Lando, I don’t like seeing you sad.”

Lando nodded and threw his arms around Lewis’ waist. “I will, thank you for listening.” 

“I’ll always listen to you little one, it’s what I’m here for, okay?”

Lando nodded and pulled away, falling back into George and snuggling into his chest. 

The two youngsters watched Lewis pulling on his shirt, George pouting as more of Lewis’ tattoos were slowly covered up and he couldn’t trace his fingers over them anymore. Not that he’d done any of that today, they had Lando to look after instead. 

Lewis folded the collar of his shirt up and started wrapping the tie around his neck.

“Come here,” George whispered, letting go of Lando briefly so he could kneel in front of Lewis on the bed. George quickly tied Lewis’ tie into a perfect knot before tugging him down using the tie to press a kiss to his lips. “So handsome.”

“Love you,” Lewis whispered back.

George gave him the softest smile and cuddled into Lewis briefly.

“Love you more.”

“Mom, Dad, love me too,” Lando piped up.

Lewis and George exchanged a brief look before George got a wicked smirk on his face and threw himself back onto Lando with a heavy thump.

“Ow!” Lando protested as George pulled him into him, kissing his cheeks noisily and rocking him over-exaggeratedly. 

“Take care of our baby,” Lewis told him, leaning in and kissing Lando’s forehead as he protested against George’s kisses. “And you, talk to Charles. And George, no punching Charles. Let Lando talk to him first.”

“You’re annoying when you act like an adult,” George told him, mock glare on his face.

“I know darling boy, that’s why I’m telling you not to punch him. I’m not defending you in court and I’m not going to let Nico defend you either.”

“Nico loves me, he’ll defend me.”

“Not as much as I love you, and he won’t defend you if I say so.”

“Yeah he will.”

“Yeah he probably will. He can’t deny you anything,” Lewis relented. “Right, I’m going to get off to work. I’ll talk to you later, darling, and Lando, it’ll be okay, alright?”

“You’re the best Dad in this house,” Lando announced solemnly as he cuddled under George’s blanket with him.

“I know. Now have fun kids, I’ll see you later.”

Lewis grabbed his bag and headed back out with a final kiss to each boy’s head, smiling at the way that Lando was already falling asleep in George’s arms, exhausted with tear tracks drying on his cheeks.

“Lewis...”

Lewis stopped dead in the hallway and turned around.

“Does he hate me...?”

“Right now, George wants to smash your face in and Lando has finally stopped crying. It’s not my place to say, but please, Charles, he’s a sweet kid, he can’t take this.”

Charles nodded, biting at his bottom lip and looking at his feet. He was clearly dressed in one of Max’s hoodies he’d stolen from Daniel, his hair wet and dripping down his neck and the dark circles under his eyes emphasising the tears that had fallen.

“I didn’t realise how serious it was...”

“Charles, kiddo, I get it. I do. You’re young, you’re having fun, but Lando’s so young too. I understand that you didn’t intend to hurt Lando, but you have to know that you did. Talk to him, Charles.”

“Thank you for being there for him,” Charles whispered, scrubbing at his face with the sleeves of his hoodie.

“No problem. Go back to your brother, leave Lando with George for a bit. He’ll talk to you later.”

Charles nodded and turned back upstairs, lingering for just a moment to look down at George’s door. Lewis sighed and shook his head.

These kids man...

“You’re going to be a good dad one day,” George said and Lewis turned to see him stood in the doorway to his room, smiling softly at him.

“Only if you’re by my side being Mum,” Lewis quipped. He grinned and winked at George when he flipped him off.

“You’re the worst.”

“Love you too darling.”

As Lewis started the drive to work, he thought about the resigned look on Lando’s face at not being enough. 

It was the same resigned look on Charles’ face at realising what he’d done.

Gosh these young boys and their crushes. 

They were adorable, and yet Lewis wondered if that was how he’d been back when he was a twenty year old. 

How long ago that now seemed...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hehehehehe
> 
> kudos, comments and feedback always greatly appreciated💙
> 
> Tumblr is at 3303andmore if you want to scream about Lando's crush and Charles being The World's Biggest Dickhead lmao


	2. Chapter 2

Charles’ head was pounding as he walked up the stairs, Lando’s words echoing in his head. 

_He wouldn’t want a nobody like me_

Charles hadn’t ever exactly thought about being with Lando. Mainly because he thought Lando didn’t want to be with him. And Charles _liked_ having sex, going out partying and getting drunk. It was just _fun_ , but now that he knew how much it hurt Lando, he didn’t want any of that anymore.

“Max?” Charles quietly said, opening Max’s bedroom door with a knock and climbing onto the bottom of the bed between Max and Dan’s feet.

“What?” Max grumbled, not really opening his eyes as he answered Charles.

“I fucked up...”

Max groaned and scrubbed at his eyes as he sat up on his elbows, staring at his twin brother.

“What you done?”

“I’ve really messed up.”

“Yeah probably, but what you done?”

Charles climbed up the bed to fall between his brother and Dan, burying his face in-between the pillows.

“Did you know Lando has a crush on me?” Charles mumbled, barely audible enough. He was lucky that Max had been dealing with him for the last twenty years meaning he would be able to decipher what Charles was saying without him having to move. 

“Charles, everyone and their fucking mother knows about it. It’s why Dad was asking us about Lando the other week,” Max sighed. 

“I thought he was just being polite... Max I really messed up.”

“You fucking idiot. How did you not know?”

“I-I don’t know, I just didn’t. Fuck, Max, he’s watched me sleep with half of London! And I’ve led him on. All that touching him and putting my head on him, I didn’t mean to upset him. Fuck Max what do I do?” Charles pulled his head out of the pillow to look at Max with watery eyes, a tear escaping to join its twin that had when he’d originally heard those words from Lando.

_He wouldn’t want a nobody like me_

“I know you’re fucking dumb but how the hell did you not know? Seriously?”

“I don’t know! I just.... Lando’s sweet, he’s _nice_ , I thought he was just being himself. I didn’t think about it being a crush. I thought he was, I don’t know, not interested in dating. I’ve never seen him even look at another person.”

Max sighed as he scrubbed at his face, yawning as Dan rubbed Charles’ back comfortingly like he was a little boy and climbing into his Daddy’s bed because he’d had a nightmare. 

“And now he’s sobbing in Lewis’ arms in the kitchen and it’s all my fault because he thinks he’s a nobody who isn’t good enough for me and that’s stupid because he’s literally perfect and I don’t want to have fucked our friendship up but- OW!”

Dan interrupted Charles’ rambling by smacking him over the back of his head, causing Charles to whine about “Daniel! I’ve got a headache!”

“Well maybe you should stop drinking yourself into an early grave and then you wouldn’t keep having a hangover you fucking moron,” Max grumbled.

“Look, Charles,” Dan interrupted before the twins could start arguing about Charles’ drinking habits, “Lando’s a good kid. He’s sweet. But everyone knows that the reason why he’s never dated anyone else is because no one is you. He’s been in love with you since the minute he clapped eyes on you, don’t hurt him. Don’t toy with his feelings. Now that you know, if you don’t feel the same, if you don’t think you’d ever feel the same, you need to talk to him. You need to tell him. Charles, I love you, I do, but Lando’s a sweet kid and he can’t take this.”

“I don’t care if you are my brother. You break his fucking heart any more by leading him on, I’ll break your fucking neck,” Max elected to warn him.

At Max’s words, Charles rolled over so that he was looking up at the ceiling, staring at it with unfocused eyes as he thought about what Max was saying.

Max only ever gave out the severe threats in _that_ tone of voice when he meant it. There were a few people Max would kill for, and Lando was at the top of the last.

Thinking back, Lando’s crush was blatantly obvious and Charles felt like the world’s biggest dick. 

Lando always saving him a plate when he was home late from uni so that he didn’t have to cook for himself.

Lando asking Charles what game he wanted to play and never complaining when Charles chose Call of Duty again (unlike some people: Max Räikkönen).

Lando offering to stay up late to help Charles get the words right on his essays and using his fancy graphics software to help Charles visualise his designs as they’d sit and giggle about art together.

Lando’s eyes lighting up when Charles came downstairs in the morning without a shirt on and called Lando an angel for making enough coffee for the entire house.

But it went both ways too. 

Charles just hadn’t realised. 

The way that when they were watching a movie as the house, Charles would automatically sit close to Lando and pull him into him, throwing his arm around his shoulders and threading his fingers through those perfect curls and whispering in his ear to make him laugh.

How every time Charles made him laugh, it felt like an accomplishment and he got this warm, fuzzy feeling in his tummy.

Those times that Charles would bash his head into the kitchen table and complain about being stupid because he’d just rewritten the word ‘orange’ twelve times and still couldn’t work out the correct way to spell it, Lando would be there and gently help him. How Lando would brush away the tears and tell him he wasn’t stupid. How Lando would sit beside him when Charles got a grade back and he wanted to share the results with someone but he struggled with reading the results of the email. Lando would wait and wait as Charles stumbled over words and reread passages to make them make sense. 

Lando did that.

Because Lando cared.

And Charles had been a colossal dickhead to him.

He’d taken advantage of it because Lando was nice. And sweet. And funny. And cuddly. And cute. And adorable. And precious. And interesting. And gentle. 

And in love with Charles.

“I think I love him...” Charles whispered, tears falling faster as he looked down at his lap. “And I don’t know what to do...”

“Charles-”

“I led him on. I hurt him. I made him think he wasn’t good enough for me. But that’s wrong. I’m not good enough for him. I’m a fucking whore, Max.”

“Yeah, you are,” Max readily agreed, “But that’s you. That’s what makes you _you_. Look, Charles, you’ve got a few options. You can tell Lando ‘sorry not interested’ and you keep sleeping around and do as you do. You tell Lando ‘I’m sorry for what I did but I would like to try being with you’. Or, you tell Lando you’re not interested in either of those options and you need to take some time to figure out what _you_ want from life. Don’t date him if you don’t want to. And _don’t_ date him just because you feel sorry for him.”

Charles curled into Max’s chest and whispered, “I feel like shit.”

Max’s fingers went through his hair, pulling at the knots as he thought about what to say.

“You like him, don’t you?”

“Yeah, I think I could even love him, Max, and I never noticed it because I’m so fucking far up my own ass that I don’t think about other people.”

“Talk to him. Just talk.”

“But if he doesn’t-”

“For fucks sake, Charles. Seriously. You fucking talk to him and you fucking apologise. You tell him everything and you say you’re sorry for leading him on and you’re sorry for everything else. And then you grow some fucking balls and tell him that if he would like to go on a date with you, you two are going to take it very slow and you’re not going to pressure him into anything. Now please, will you stop having a breakdown and repeating the same things over and over again and leave so I can have morning sex?!”

Charles looked up at his brother for a second, saw the way he was masking his fury and his worry with focusing on Dan. 

“I’m still going to being have a crisis...”

“That’s fine.”

“So, I should ask him on a date?”

Max sighed and screamed quietly in his throat.

“Do you want to date him?”

“Yeah, yeah, I do,” Charles quietly admitted.

“Then fucking ask him, okay? You can’t keep just living in your own fucking head. And now, for the love of everything that is holy, leave my bed because you’re doing my nut in.”

Charles nodded shakily and pushed himself up, smiling gratefully at his brother and knocking fists with him briefly.

“Oh, Chaos?” Dan said as Charles reached the door, “You might want to have a shower first. You reek of booze.”

“I will,” Charles nodded, snagging one of Max’s hoodies off the back of his door as he went. 

Before jumping in the shower, Charles grabbed some soft flannel pyjama pants from his bedroom and some warm socks, knocking back a couple of painkillers with water before hiding in the shower. 

Normally he’d be playing his music, singing along to whatever new musical he was obsessed with that week no matter the time of day. Admittedly his showers were normally closer to midday or midevening and his house didn’t seem bothered by it then. 

He wondered if Lando liked musicals.

There wasn’t much that Charles regretted in life. 

Not only because he was young and didn’t feel like he’d done enough in life to warrant regretting things, but also because there wasn’t much that he did regret anyway. He wasn’t one of those ‘everything happens for a reason’ kind of people, rather he believed that there was no point getting hung up on the past. You could learn from your past mistakes but you couldn’t change them, so there was no point spending all his time thinking about what he’d done and regretting it. He learnt from it, he moved on, he made a mistake elsewhere, he kept going. 

Yet this whole thing with Lando... the regret was paramount. 

It wasn’t exactly that he felt sorry for Lando, more that he was ashamed of himself.

Charles has never put much thought into the way others perceived him. 

He was a young, attractive, up-for-a-good-time boy and people liked that. He liked having sex and he liked getting drunk. 

People liked that he was also up for that. 

He’d never cared about relationships because he’d never thought he wanted one. Right from being little, he’d kiss everyone in the school yard and run off before he could get roped into being someone’s boyfriend. 

Relationship were hard work and remembering to care for another person when he could barely care for him a solid 80% of the time didn’t sound like something Charles was capable of. And he knew if he started dating someone, the drinking and sleeping around would have to stop. 

The idea of losing his two vices had always been deemed illogical. He wasn’t himself without drunk stories and walks of shame two, three, four times a week. 

It was funny to see how that switch in his brain was now saying that he’d give it all up in an instant if it just meant that he didn’t have to hear that brokenness in Lando’s voice. That he didn’t have to hear Lando say he wasn’t good enough. To see Lando sobbing in the arms of a guy whose existence he’d been aware of a mere few weeks all because he hated falling for Charles.

Was Charles really that despicable of a boy that Lando hated being in love with him? 

He knew he did things most people didn’t necessarily agree with but he wasn’t stupid about it. Only people that were consenting and in the same state as himself (that is to say if Charles was drunk, they would also have to be a similar level of drunk - even in an inebriated state Charles knew well enough how to tell if he or someone he wanted to sleep with was being taken advantage of) got access to his body. And those nights that he didn’t come home, Max would receive a text message with where he was and he’d always come back eventually, maybe after a couple more hungover rounds of sex to match their drunken tumble together, but still, he came back. If someone came back to his house, he tried not to wake his housemates up and he always saw the person out in the mornings with a glass of water and painkillers shoved down their throat.

He tried to be a good person.

That wasn’t enough for some people though...

Charles turned the shower off when the water went as cold as his thoughts. 

Towelling his hair dry, Charles pulled on the pyjama pants and the hoodie, smiling when the smell of Dan’s aftershave hit him. 

There was still little in life that he loved more than his brother’s relationship. Max deserved Dan. 

Charles wanted a relationship like that.

Max and Charles had always been close, even throughout school. Sitting together in the back of their classes and creating chaos that had teachers give them detentions and there’d even been that time that the school had put them on behaviour report because their science teacher had had enough of them. 

And so when Max had tentatively asked Charles if it was alright that he wanted to date that boy Charles had just slept with, he knew he couldn’t deny his brother anything. They’d created chaos together, and they’d ended a lot of chaos. 

Charles also knew that despite Max’s... well… bitch of an attitude, he protected the people he loved. And the way he’d reacted to Lando, it reminded Charles of a part deep in his heart of when their Dad tried dating someone when they were little and Max had given out the same threat. 

Max cared about Lando.

Charles _wanted_ to care _more_ about Lando.

“I know, now have fun kids, I’ll see you later.”

Hearing Lewis’ voice perked Charles’ ears up and he tentatively made his way down the stairs. 

He wasn’t scared of Lewis. But Lewis knew Uncle Seb, and if Lewis told Uncle Seb what Charles had done, Uncle Seb would give Charles the ‘I’m not mad at you, I’m just disappointed’ face and that would definitely make Charles feel like shit. Or cry. He still cried sometimes when Uncle Seb told him off. 

“Lewis...” Charles called out from the middle of the stairs, watching the way Lewis stopped dead and turned to face him, “Does he hate me...?”

Lewis stared at Charles blankly a moment, flicking his eyes over Charles and the way he was dressed, probably taking in the tear tracks that the shower hadn’t deemed ready to remove yet. 

“Right now, George wants to smash your face in and Lando has finally stopped crying. It’s not my place to say, but please, Charles, he’s a sweet kid, he can’t take this,” Lewis said. He already knew that Lando felt like shit and George would want to kill him, but to actually hear it from someone that wasn’t his brother? It hurt.

Charles nodded, biting at his bottom lip and looking at his feet, fighting back the tears as he carefully explained,

“I didn’t realise how serious it was...”

“Charles, kiddo, I get it. I do. You’re young, you’re having fun, but Lando’s so young too. I understand that you didn’t intend to hurt Lando, but you have to know that you did. Talk to him, Charles.”

“Thank you for being there for him,” Charles whispered, pulling the sleeves of the hoodie over his hands and scrubbing at his face.

“No problem. Go back to your brother, leave Lando with George for a bit. He’ll talk to you later.”

Charles wanted to protest, wanted to tell Lewis that he wasn’t a kid and if he wanted to talk to Lando he bloody well would. 

However, forcing Lando to talk to him when he wasn’t ready? When he was still fragile? When he was still hurting? 

Charles didn’t want to put him through any more stress than needed. He’d hurt him too much already, Charles could wait a bit if that helped him.

He wouldn’t go back to Max, he didn’t want to get his head snapped off his neck by interrupting his time with Daniel any more, and instead nodded and turned back upstairs. For a moment he lingered, staring down at George’s bedroom door and knowing that the boy he adored was in there crying because Charles couldn’t keep his pants on. 

He never felt bad for sleeping around. 

He felt awful for hurting Lando’s heart. 

Charles went back up to his room. Before he curled up under his blanket, he went in his closet and fumbled around until he found what he was looking forward. 

“Hey old friend,” he whispered as his old stuffed penguin joined him. 

Hugging his precious cargo to his chest, Charles sighed and climbed under the blankets, turning his phone on to Netflix and carried on watching a floristry competition. 

The time was slowly getting closer to 9am. The time that most of the house would scoot on out to university and it was simply himself and Lando left in the building. 

Whether that was a good thing or not, Charles didn’t know.

He also doubted that Lando would stay at home. But then again, he might not know Charles was home yet. 

False hope was a wonderful filter...

“You gonna be alright?”

Charles looked up from his phone as the credits started rolling for whichever episode he’d just finished and stared at his brother.

“I’ll be okay.”

“You gonna lay around and mope all day?”

“I have class at 2. I’m going to go.”

“You haven’t been to your Thursday lecture in-”

“Two and a half months, yeah, I know. Trying to clean up my act, okay?”

Max stared at him for a moment and then nodded.

“Don’t change too much though. Don’t make me forget who my brother is.”

Charles nodded shakily and turned his attention back onto the tv show as the contestants started debating over who got the better mythical creature. He loved his brother, and Max had seen a lot over the years, but he didn’t need to see Charles crying over being told that his brother liked him. 

It didn’t take long after his brother leaving that Charles’ stomach and head started pounding with the lack of filling in them. Locking his phone and chucking it in his pocket, Charles tucked his penguin into his hoodie pouch and started making his way downstairs. 

Charles wasn’t exactly a big breakfast eater, except on the days that he had a hangover, so basically for someone that didn’t like breakfast he ate breakfast most days.

And yet, he still had forgotten to buy breakfast food. 

He knew he could steal some from Max, that he was likely to try and kill Charles for it but siblings always stole each other’s stuff, it was more socially acceptable than stealing one of your flatmate’s things. And Charlotte was still... god knows where with that girl she’d hooked up with so he could steal her food and she wouldn’t care. 

Except none of what was in the cupboards satisfied that ‘I’m hungover and want to die’ feeling, and so Charles jumped up onto the counter and started tapping at his phone instead.

Ordering McDonalds breakfast seemed like an excellent option in the face of a hangover. 

And he could order coffee so he didn’t have to deal with that shitty instant coffee they had. 

“Morning.”

Charles looked up sharply and nearly dropped his phone, barely getting chance to catch it before it smashed to the ground.

“Lando...”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 👀👀👀👀
> 
> kudos, comments and feedback always greatly appreciated💙
> 
> Tumblr is at 3303andmore x


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> am gonna be honest with you hens this chapter nearly didn't happen because I got distracted by the new season of Sugar Rush on Netflix (excellent baking competition, 10/10 do recommend my luvlies x) and then I spent way too long watching tiktoks about the fact that 'the birds work for the bourgeoisie' and it was a whole ordeal and we've had a heatwave in England (34 fkin degrees my luvs what is that all about) so yeah. it's been a wild one today lads 
> 
> enjoy this x

“Lando…” Charles whispered in almost disbelief. 

“That is my name?” Lando responded, frowning at Charles. 

Charles didn’t say anything for a moment, instead he kept looking at Lando like a gaping goldfish with the way his mouth was opening and closing. 

“Have you hit your head?” Lando asked.

“I’m so sorry.”

“Because you hit your head?”

“For making you think you’re not good enough for me.”

Oh

 _Oh_

So, he knows

Great

Brilliant

Time for Lando to go and play in the London traffic. 

George had threatened to throw them all under a bus time and time again. Lando couldn’t help but wonder if that offer was still available because right now he’d take being thrown under fifty London buses and the tube line if it just meant that he didn’t have to have this conversation with Charles. 

“You are good enough. If anything, you’re too good for someone like me,” Charles told him, “You’re everything a person could want, Lando. You’re brilliant, you’re funny, you’re adorable, you have the best heart in the world. I’m a fucking dickhead, and I don’t deserve you. You could have anyone in the world. You can do better than the boy that has slept with most of London.”

“Yeah well, you don’t exactly choose who you fall for, Charles,” Lando told him as a tear fell from his eye, “If I had my way, I wouldn’t have fallen for you. Falling for the guy that’s destined to break your heart? Yeah no, I’ll give that a hard pass. But it doesn’t mean that I don’t feel so deeply for you anyway.”

“I’m so sorry, I am. And I know that doesn’t make up for what I did to you, but you have to know that I am the world’s most oblivious asshole and I didn’t realise what I was doing. I never intended to lead you on and then dangle every fucking person in London in front of you as a ‘look what you’re missing out on’ kinda thing. I honestly didn’t.”

“What about Charlotte?” Lando asked. 

“Charlotte?” Charles frowned harder than anyone that Lando had ever seen before. 

“You have a thing for her, don’t you?” It almost pained Lando’s heart to say that to him. 

“N-no?”

“I don’t think you’re meant to answer that with a question.”

“I don’t mean to... I’m just confused. Like, really confused. I don’t know why you’d think I’d have a thing for Charlotte?”

“You’re literally all over each other all the time.”

“She’s gay.”

“Doesn’t mean you can’t be in love with her. Just because you know that, doesn’t mean you wouldn’t still fall for her. We’ve established that you can’t exactly pick who it is you fall for, Charles.”

“Lando,” Charles carefully said, jumping off the counter and walking over to where Lando was still stood in the doorway to the kitchen, “Listen to me when I say this. I have not, will not, will never, have a thing for Charlotte. Not just because she’s gay, but because she’s like my sister and that would be weird. I sleep with girls, but I’d never sleep with Charlotte, it’s kind of… gross in a way.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. I love her, I do, with my entire heart, but I’ve never had a thing for her. She’s gorgeous, and she’s my best friend, but my heart is fixed on someone else.”

“Oh…” Lando whispered. 

So, the boy that didn’t do relationships had his heart fixed on someone and it wouldn’t be Lando, because _why the fuck_ would it be? He could have the entirety of London. 

Fucking hell Lando wouldn’t even be surprised to hear it was Daniel that he had a thing for. Daniel was lovely. He was perfect. And if he could fall for Max, then it would only make sense that Charles would want Daniel to fall for him. They were twins after all. 

Even if it was some guy that Charles had had a one-night-stand with, he wouldn’t be surprised. He knew it was way less likely considering the rate that Charles went through them, he doubted Charles would remember enough the next day to know that he still had a crush on them now. But still. The boy that didn’t do relationships had his heart fixed on someone and that someone wouldn’t be Lando because someone like Charles wouldn’t want a nobody like him. 

“Okay.” Lando nodded and tried to step back, wanting nothing more than to escape up to his room and start throwing things in his bag and leave this fucking city and go back to his parents and go to university in Bristol. It was still a bit of a way from home but at least he’d be far away from London and far away from people that had slept with Charles Räikkönen. Far away from where his heart had broken and he didn’t want to be anymore. 

“Lando,” Charles murmured, reaching out for Lando’s wrist to stop him moving. His voice was quiet yet so deep and _sensual_ that it had a shiver work through Lando’s spine, “I never said who it was my heart was fixated on.”

“No offence, Charles, but I don’t want to know.”

“I think you do,” Charles corrected, stepping closer and carefully placing his hands on Lando’s hips. 

“Don’t, Charles.”

Charles pulled away instantly. Lando was almost surprised that he didn’t immediately fall over backwards with the force he moved away from Lando with. 

“I’m sorry-”

“I won’t be another one of your conquests. I can’t. What you feel for me isn’t what I want you to feel. I’m sorry, Charles, but I can’t have you break my heart again. I need to protect myself. You can’t just get your own way by kissing someone, Charles, not in the real world. I know you run by different rules and you experience the world by kissing people and sleeping with people, but I’m fragile. I can’t do that.” Another tear fell from Lando’s eyes and as much as he wanted to wipe it away, he couldn’t. He was paralysed by watching the way Charles’ face crumpled. 

“I’m sorry,” Charles whispered, lip wobbling with emotion, “I didn’t think. I was just, I want, I don’t, I… I like you, Lando, a lot. And I think I even love you and I never noticed. And I know that’s because I never bothered to pay attention, but seriously, I don’t see you as another conquest. Please, I’m sorry.”

“Don’t just pretend, Charles-”

“I don’t pretend. I can’t. Not over something like this. I can be better.”

“Don’t change for me, Charles.”

“I’m not. I’m trying to grow up. I can’t keep hurting people, Lando, and I can’t hurt you. Max told me that if I hurt you, he’s going to break my neck. I wouldn’t be telling you this if I wasn’t serious. I don’t play around with people’s feelings. Not intentionally anyway. And I wouldn’t do that to you.”

There was an honesty that Charles spoke with that when Lando looked into Charles’ eyes, he knew he wasn’t lying. 

“I can’t be some relationship experiment,” Lando told him, “I can’t be with you for a few weeks and give you an idea of what it’s like only for you to stomp on my heart and run away. I can’t take that, Charles.”

“I wouldn’t expect you to. I know, believe me, I’m the messiest fucking person on this planet. I’ve slept with most of London, my Dad is surprised I haven’t ended up hospitalised with my drinking, I barely go to class when I’m meant to. I forget to eat when I’m doing my art and I don’t know how to be in a relationship. I’m willing to learn. I’m willing to try, Lando. Is that enough?”

“I don’t know.”

As much as Lando wanted to say that yes it was, to say he forgave Charles for everything, he couldn’t. 

That part of his brain couldn’t do that. 

“I don’t know if I can do that, Charles. I want to believe that you won’t break my heart, but what if you’re just caught up in the emotions of all of this? What if you just _think_ that you’ve got a thing for me because you feel guilty? I don’t want to date you just because you feel sorry for me. I’m not some pity party.”

“I don’t see you as something I have to take responsibility for,” Charles argued back, tears building in a way that Lando hadn’t ever seen on Charles’ face before. “My own behaviour yeah, of course, but not you. Lando, please-”

“I can’t Charles… I’m sorry,” Lando whispered, pulling his sleeves over his hands and scrubbing at his eyes. “I’m sorry. I can’t. I need time. I can’t just jump into this. I want to, more than anything. I love you, Charles. More than anyone. But you’re _you_. And I want to trust you, I want to believe you’re a good person, but I need to look after myself, Charles.”

“What are you saying, Lando?”

“I can’t be with you. I can’t turn off the part of my brain that constantly reminds me what you do. I’m sorry. I need to look after myself before I can think about you, I’m sorry.”

“Lando please-”

“If you care, Charles, if you even care about me a tiny bit, you’ll let me do this.”

Tears were pouring down Charles’ cheeks as he looked at Lando, his fingers pushing into his hoodie pouch and holding something. 

“I’m sorry for hurting you,” Charles whispered. 

Lando reached forward and wrapped his arms around Charles’ waist, pressing his face into Charles’ shoulder and smiling sadly as he hugged him. 

“I know you didn’t mean to. But I need to protect myself first, okay?”

Charles nodded and brought his arms up to hug him back. 

“I get it. I’m really sorry still.”

“I know.”

Lando could feel something hitting his stomach and reached into Charles’ hoodie pocket to see what was pressing against him. He pulled out a stuffed toy, Charles’ cheeks going a deep pillar box red as Lando looked at the toy.

“His name’s Tommy,” Charles whispered, clearly slightly embarrassed, “I felt awful for what I did to you, making you think you’re nothing and all that, and Max kicked me out of his room so he could have sex with Dan and I didn’t want to be alone. He’s my oldest friend aside from Max.”

“I have something similar. A fox, though. No idea why,” Lando smiled and gently passed him back to Charles. Charles quickly shoved Tommy the Penguin back into his jumper and started scrubbing his hands together. 

“I know you don’t want to do anything… romantic, but I’m ordering breakfast. Do you want some?”

“What you ordering?”

“Max has a load of credit on his Uber Eats so I’m ordering McDonalds breakfast and stealing his.”

“I’ll get breakfast with you,” Lando nodded, “I still want to be friends with you, Charles. And I’m not saying I don’t think we can ever be romantic, but right now, I need to step away from seeing you as a purely romantic interest and see you as my friend again, I hope that’s okay.”

“That’s more than okay,” Charles was quick to agree, jumping back up to sit on the kitchen counter and pull his phone out of his pocket. “What do you want?”

Lando walked over to stand beside Charles, leaning slightly into him as they looked at the screen and tried to ignore the tingling sensation tracing down his side at the proximity to Charles. 

“That,” Lando nodded, tapping at the screen. He saw Charles’ arm automatically come up to drape over his shoulders like he always did when he was leaning into someone, and Lando smiled sadly when he saw Charles rip his arm away like he was getting close to a fiery inferno and not just accidentally putting his arm around Lando. 

It was nice that he was trying to be considerate, especially considering Lando had been the one to ask him if they could just be friends. However, part of his heart was yearning for that closeness, still yearning to twist slightly and capture Charles’ lips in his, to feel what it was like to be completely weightless and kissing an angel. Feeling Charles’ tiny bits of stubble rub against Lando’s babyface chin and those lips that looked so perfectly soft against his own. 

Charles smelt like citrus, he always did. Fresh, bright, enticing. 

And he always looked perfect. Even when he was sat on the kitchen counter in flannel pyjamas and an oversized hoodie that most definitely had been hanging up on Max’s door the day prior. 

Lando wanted to trace his fingers through Charles’ hair, to hold it as Charles stretched him open and took him, pushing his hands across Lando like he was fine china and drinking in his gaps when he breached him. 

But he couldn’t do that. And thinking about it hurt. 

“I’m going to go and set up the PlayStation, want a match?” Lando asked tentatively. 

“Um, I want to say yes, but I think I need some time to think as well, if that’s okay? I just, my head’s a bit all over the place and I didn’t think that this would be how our talk would end. I need to go and get my head sorted.”

“Yeah, yeah, of course, no worries. I’m still-”

“Don’t apologise, Lando,” Charles whispered, tracing his fingers across Lando’s face and flicking his eyes over his features as though he was trying to commit a piece of artwork to mind. “Please, don’t apologise. It’s my fault, I should’ve noticed what I was doing.”

Charles lent forward and brushed a kiss over Lando’s forehead, unable to resist. 

Lando closed his eyes briefly and lent into the touch, letting the weight of Charles’ hands cradle him as though if he let go he’d smash into smithereens.

“Charles,” Lando whispered. 

When Lando opened his eyes, they were so incredibly close to each other. All it would take is a tilt of his chin and their lips would slot into place. 

Finally, his dream would be answered. What would it be like kissing Charles Räikkönen? No longer would it be a question. He’d be one of the people that knew. 

“No, Lando,” Charles murmured, gently pushing Lando away before he even realised he’d been leaning in. “I’m not going to take advantage of you.”

“Charles-”

“Breakfast will be here in about half an hour. I’ll be in my room,” Charles jumped off the counter and started up the stairs, and Lando watched as he faltered for a moment, looking at Lando before going up to his room. 

Lando quietly walked through to the front room and fell down face first onto the sofa, frustrated tears welling up in his eyes. 

He’d gone through all of that, telling Charles how he didn’t want to be taken advantage of, how he didn’t want Charles to use him as some relationship experiment, how he couldn’t just be a fling to Charles, ripped his heart out and threw it down the drain in the process, and then stuffed it all up by trying to kiss him anyway. 

That’s why Lando was stupid. 

That’s why Lando didn’t get a happy ending. 

That’s why Lando always fell for the people that it was destined to ruin. 

Not only had he fallen in love with his best-mate’s brother (a sin unto itself), but he’d fallen in love with the playboy of London and then when said playboy offers to change to be better, it still wasn’t enough for Lando. 

He wanted to be with Charles more than anything. But he also knew that he couldn’t do that, not right now. 

There was so much that needed to be understood between them before they could even begin to consider not just being friends, and yet Lando didn’t want to wait. He had to, in order to protect his heart, he _needed_ to. 

But it didn’t mean that he didn’t want Charles so damn badly. 

The way that his face had crumpled, the tears falling from his eyes, the brokenness in his voice when he admitted that he’d not been a very good person to Lando. The pure confusion about Charlotte. His desire to want to do better, not just for Lando but for everyone and for himself. 

Charles was trying. 

He was so desperately trying. 

Why couldn’t Lando meet him half way?

Why couldn’t he be there when Charles needed him?

Lando curled up under a blanket on the sofa and stared into nothing, not wanting to open his eyes and stare at the ceiling. If he kept his eyes closed, he could pretend this was just a bad dream. That he’d never admitted it to Lewis, that he’d never broken the heart of the boy that he was in love with, that he’d never broken down and sobbed and let Charles Räikkönen see him in that aftermath state. That he hadn’t tried to kiss Charles Räikkönen and get rejected. 

He got rejected…

Because Charles didn’t want to take advantage…

He knew Charles was a good person, that he was considerate of the people that he slept with and didn’t take advantage or let himself get taken advantage off. Even when they’d all been out together and there’d been two guys Charles was dancing with at once, Lando had watched him stop and take a moment to talk to them before getting a wicked smirk on his face and Lando averted his eyes before he could see the three of them walk off to the bathrooms. 

Charles was a good person. 

And Lando hated that he’d destroyed his heart. 

Convinced Charles that he needed to change his behaviour, his attitude, his life just because Lando wanted to kiss him. What kind of a person did that? 

He’d take away every aspect of who Charles was just because Lando wanted him. 

How was that fair? Forcing Charles to change just because he wanted him. 

It wasn’t and it couldn’t be fair. 

But Charles wanted to change, did he not? 

He said he was tired of hurting people but that didn’t mean much. 

God this was all so confusing. 

Breakfast came and went in almost silence. Charles had passed Lando his order and then vanished back upstairs, and by the time Lando was eating the last of his hash brown, Charles had come downstairs, fully dressed in simple black ripped jeans and a white t-shirt, black jacket over the top and trainers pulled on. 

“I’ll see you later,” Charles smiled uncomfortably, clutching his backpack straps as he headed out. 

Charles was actually going to class for once? 

Wow…

Maybe he was serious about changing up his act…

~~

It had been a few weeks since he and Charles had talked. 

Not that they’d avoided each other, just that they didn’t really talk in the same way. 

They still chatted as they got up in the mornings, and Lando had even let Charles in one afternoon when he’d gotten home from uni and had forgotten to take his keys with him, sitting in the living room for a little bit and chatting about university. 

It wasn’t... _awkward_. 

It was just weird.

It was really weird.

Charles was...

Lando didn’t even know.

Charles was just _different_.

He was softer, a bit more gentle and a bit more considerate. 

Lando wasn’t even sure if he’d even seen Charles skipping class lately. 

Charles wasn’t exactly a _bad_ student. He was just very particular about which classes he bothered to attend and his lecturers adored his talent way too much to penalise him for skipping. When Charles put the effort in, he did phenomenally. 

And now he was actually attending class regularly and Lando didn’t understand it.

He was close to falling asleep when a knock at his bedroom door startled him up. 

Most of the time, it was Max or George, and they simply knocked once before coming in. Neither of them had any respect for boundaries.

“Charles?” Lando asked, scrubbing at his eyes as he looked at the boy stood awkwardly at his bedroom door.

“I just wanted to talk to you for a second, if that’s okay.”

Charles was clutching some paper in his hand and biting at his lip. His eyes seemed a bit brighter lately and he didn’t look as gaunt. 

Actually, when was the last time Charles had gone drinking? He’d seen Charles and Charlotte around the house a lot more lately. 

“What’s up?” Lando opened his bedroom door and invited Charles in, settling cross legged on his bed.

“I want to show you something.” Charles thrust the paper at Lando and he took it in hand, unfolding it and looking over it.

NHS

Charles Räikkönen 

Health

Results

“Charles what is this?” Lando asked before he actually read it, his heart thumping painfully.

“I went to a sexual health clinic. Took every test I could. They tested me for everything. I told you I’m serious about growing up. I’m clean, Lando. I’m completely clean. I’ve not drank in ten days. Not gone out partying. Started going to uni more. I know I hurt you, Lando, and I know you were trying to move on from me. And if that’s still the case, then I wish you all the best. I hope you find someone who is just as amazing as you because you deserve happiness. But I wanted to prove to you that I’m growing up. I’m holding myself accountable for my own behaviour. I’m trying to be a better person. I’m not saying I’ll never touch alcohol again, or I’m never going to party again. Because I do still like it. But I’m not going to sleep around.”

“You don’t need to prove yourself to me, Charles.”

“I’m trying to prove to you that I’m capable of not acting like an idiot _all the time_. You’ve been on my mind since the day I heard you say you’re not worthy of me, and all I could think about is how I’m not worthy of you. I don’t want you to feel obligated in the same way you didn’t want me to date you just because I felt sorry for you or something. But I’m willing to wait for you to be ready if you want that too. If you want to move on, you don’t want anything to do with me, honestly I don’t mind. I’d love to be allowed to date you but I get it if you don’t want me like that anymore. I’m trying to grow up, I’m trying to be a better person, and I’m not just doing it for you. You definitely gave me the kick up the ass I needed, made me realise how much of a dickhead I can be, but I just want you to be happy Lando.”

Lando didn’t know what to say. 

He knew Charles had been changing slightly, but he hadn’t realised just how much of an impact he’d had on him. Hadn’t noticed that Charles had taken his hurt to heart so much and tried to change. 

Honestly, Lando wasn’t sure Charles was capable of it. 

For as long as he’d known him, Charles had been hungover a good 75% of the time. Charles was never at home, and he lived off other people’s money whilst amassing quite the fortune himself from other people. 

When George has revealed his long-term relationship with Lewis, Alex had even pointed out that they’d all expected it to be Charles who got a sugar daddy. He was the type of boy who thrived on attention and wanted everything from everyone. 

He didn’t do relationships.

But he wanted Lando...

Charles _wanted_ Lando?!

Lando was disturbed from his thoughts by Charles climbing off the bed, not saying anything. If Lando had to guess, Charles didn’t want to disturb him any longer. He’d said his piece, he’d fought his fight, he was done.

But Lando wasn’t.

“Charles wait-” Lando climbed off the bed and spun Charles around, pressing him back into the door and smiling.

He’d made his decision. 

He knew what he wanted. 

He wanted him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> did I leave the story on a mild cliffhanger
> 
> yes
> 
> am I prepared for you all to scream at me? absolutely my luvs xx
> 
> kudos, comments & feedback always greatly appreciated💙
> 
> Tumblr is at 3303andmore (even tho im low-key on a social media detox lately but I'm around lmao)


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